Just how fast the night changes

Hellloooo Humans!!

Of course I choose the most inconvenient of times to finally make a comeback on blog posting - I just had my nails done for Year 13 Prom! (So yes it's taking me twice as long to type).

Moving on from complaining (although now that I think about it half of my posts thrive on my complaints..), it's only now starting to hit me that I've completed school. I am quite literally transitioning from being a school student to now a university student. It feels heavy when the word 'school' no longer shields us. When replaced with 'university', the fear of responsibilities or the fear of having to figure life on our own from now on looms over my head. No more career advisor team to visit when doubting a decision your making about your career, no more complaining to that one teacher who feels like your second home about the minor or major inconveniences of school work, no more teachers chasing you for your incomplete essay accounting for 50% of your grade, no more teachers serving opportunities on a silver platter - from now on it boils down to our own proactiveness and competence (not that this wasn't important before, but if it ever mattered, it mattered now more than ever).

This transition seems almost like a blur between nerve-wracking and exciting. It's difficult to explain the mixture of emotions I'm feeling right now and so maybe reducing it to nervousness or excitement doesn't justify the feeling. It's odd. It's confusing. Even overwhelming. But one thing that I've told myself in the past, when transitioning to sixth form, and what I tell myself now is; change is good. (I may or may not be attempting to gaslight myself). Change is necessary and the only way to progress is through change, so like I've said before, I've got to learn to embrace this change.

However, it's easier said than done. Transitioning from one secondary school to another school for sixth form was different but somewhat comfortable as my core friend group moved to the same sixth form with me, but now we all go off to different Universities and I can't help but feel worried. Worried about our 7+ years of friendship and what will become of it. Worried about making new friends. Worried about settling into a completely different and new environment. Worried about the intensive and demanding nature of the course I chose. Worried if I can stay as proactive and competent enough. Worried about mistakes I may make. Worried about opportunities I may miss...the list goes on (genuinely I can go on and on)..

Whilst I was on a walk, spiralling with my list of worries, it struck me. How did I manage to come up with such an elaborate list of worries before anything had happened? Ok, yes I know, the obvious answer is due to my fabulous overthinking abilities, but what I mean is I had gotten so caught up and tangled in the negative outcomes in the currently non-existent future and the worry that I wouldn't be able to replicate the amazing memories from the past - instead of embracing the fact that I'd be making new and potentially amazing memories.

Of course it would be different, and I may never find a friendship like I've found in secondary, but that's okay, I'm probably going to meet a new bunch of people and learn new things, but that does not mean I have to lose touch with my now friends, now hobbies or my now likes/dislikes. I've just got to be okay with change, and revisit when I have the time, but this fear shouldn't hold me back from making new memories.

If you noticed, it's been a while since I wrote, to be exact, I haven't written anything since New Years, and whilst part of the reason is due to my IB exams, it took me several weeks even after exams to bring myself to write.

I think that's mainly because I've had all these emotions about officially completing school that I just wanted to ignore for a bit longer, the overpowering bitterness of the 'bittersweet' feeling of leaving school. It seemed to be such an abrupt ending to school, the routine of school in itself was abruptly cut short with exams.

It was only once prom had happened, that I had registered that I'd never see all these people again, or at least see everyone again like in school: in the same place at the same time.

One of the head students of our school said something in our leaver's assembly that had stuck with me because it was exactly what I felt; it was along the lines of appreciating every single person that made up our sixth form, even if we hadn't talked to them or if we just gave a little smile in the corridors as we walked past, and I completely agree.

I'm going to miss the feeling of walking up those stairs to 5 minutes of quiet before people start to slowly trickle in and sit in their self-designated areas in the mornings, the feeling when the morning crowd starts bustling and everyone holds onto those few minutes before the dreaded bell signals the beginning of the day and our first lesson arrives with no time to spare, the feeling when everyone starts dividing off into their respective lessons and hurriedly finish of their conversations, the random smiles or (what seems to be a lot of guys' favourite) the famous nod as you walk past someone you know, the scrambling to find a good seat for break and the comfort of your decided seat and table for lunch, the dilly-dallying before assemblies, the waiting in lines, the long-awaited exit at the end of school or the stalling for time in the warmth of the school buildings during the winter before being forced to leave early on a Friday afternoon.

I'm going to miss it all, but I'm going to miss the feeling of being a part of that sixth form and the feeling of everyone's presence within the school community. Like my list of worries, I could go on and on...but the point is, I've got amazing memories to reminisce in, now I've got to learn to move on to the new experiences the future has in store, after all, if I did not embrace the change of school for sixth form, I would have robbed myself of all the experiences I now cherish with all my heart. In a way, this post, is an acceptance and appreciation post, to remind myself just how fast the night changes..

By the way, just wanted to vent a bit: THE AMOUNT OF TIMES I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED SOME OF THESE SENTENCES BECAUSE OF MY NAILS AND SUFFERED MINI HEART ATTACKS IS INSANE. At this point I should probably get my heart checked out!

- Ravitreni Signing Off